I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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