im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
