My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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