they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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