Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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