i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
