"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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