Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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