my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
