And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
