My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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