Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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