You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
