shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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