Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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