I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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