I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
