y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
