True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
