she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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