I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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