she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
