You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
