My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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