Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
