K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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