I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize