i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We just shotgunned beers for America
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
