I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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