I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
