I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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