So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
