the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
two words...techno handjob
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
