i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
