Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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