I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
