If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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