How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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