Michael Bay diarrhea
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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