The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
