Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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