I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
