So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i think my cat just said my name.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
