Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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