she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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