My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i think i have two assholes
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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