I wish my penis had an off switch
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
are you so shy because you have an std?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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