its not stalking. its research.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
