just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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