My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
