he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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